Being a mother is one of the most intriguing things in this life. A woman sacrifices her body, sleep, sanity, hobbies and social life to be a mom. And most of the time, she asked for it. Can you think of another situation where someone literally prays to gain weight, be nauseous and have zero personal time ever again? But that is precisely what is happening when we pray to become mothers. Funny, right? Mother’s Day is special and allows us to thank the women that made those sacrifices for us. It’s flowers, cards, chocolate and, if you’re in my family, a picnic in the Smokies. But for some, it can be a day filled with pain, uncertainty or longing. I want to share a piece of my journey to motherhood with you in hopes that you can see no matter where you are in your journey, there can be joy.
I’ve always wanted to be a mom. My goal in life has always been to serve God, get married and have children. Plain and simple. I started praying for my children and digging in God’s Word reading what He had to say about them long before I was even out of high school. Psalm 127:3 says, “Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.” I remember reading this and thinking how amazing it was that God gave children as gifts and rewards. So, naturally, when it came time for my husband, Bryan, and I to begin the journey as parents, I couldn’t wait to receive this reward! We had been good. We had waited. We were servants. We loved God. Oh man, we were gonna get the best children ever! I was sure of it.
But as it turns out, He had many lessons for us to learn before the “gift” was given.
One lesson will forever stick out in my mind. It was the day before I was to take yet another pregnancy test. I prayed that this one would be different. Not just that it would be positive but that God would prepare me for whatever I was going to see on that stick. “If it’s positive, prepare me. If it’s negative, prepare me.” There’s nothing quite like the emotional roller coaster of trying to conceive, especially after two failed pregnancies.
I was listening to the radio in my car, and the announcer shared the verse of the day, Isaiah 9:6: “For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given.” But it’s October. Why is he referencing a “Christmas verse”? Was this a sign? I tried to ignore it as I pulled into the driveway. I walked inside to find Bryan listening to a seminary lecture for his class. As I sat down beside him, he put his head in my lap, and we listened together. “It’s kind of like the prophecy in Isaiah 6:9 that says, ‘Unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given’…”.
I about fell off the couch! The same verse. The same random verse spoken by two different people within five minutes of each other that talked about a son being given! It was TOTALLY a sign! God had answered my prayers and “prepared” me for what I was going to see on that tiny stick! I ran upstairs, took the pregnancy test and waited...
It was negative.
My heart sank to my stomach, and I crawled in my bed and, through tears and confusion, asked God why He had so clearly spoken to me but hadn’t come through. Did I misread the “signs”? Was it just a coincidence? Whatever it was, it hurt. Here I was trying to trust God, which was extremely difficult after two painful miscarriages. I felt like He was teasing me. Where was our reward? Why did my best friend and her husband get rewarded? Why did the crack-addicted mother who doesn’t want more children get rewarded? Why did the teen in my small group who wasn’t married and not living for Jesus get rewarded? My heart was so confused, and I was completely lost.
That night I went to bed with my fist towards the sky, and my pillow stained in tears. Our amazing God was not done speaking, however. Around 2:30 a.m., I woke up to my heart pounding and my mind racing. All I can remember is hearing the words, “I already gave you a Son. I gave you my Son. He is all you need.”
I burst into tears, waking up Bryan, and telling him I knew what the verse now meant. All this time I was consumed with having my own son (or daughter), and I had forgotten that I had already been given the only Son I would ever need. Those simple words changed my focus and my prayers. Of course, a child is a gift. And my desire for motherhood absolutely matters to God. He was the One who created this desire in me to begin with. He was just waiting for me to understand first that His Son will always be my greatest gift.
So no matter where you are in your journey with motherhood, know that God always has a plan for you. Everything He asks you to walk through has a divine purpose behind it. If He’s blessed you with four kids, and you are about to lose your ever-loving mind, there’s a purpose. If you’ve been trying for two years, and no one can tell you what’s wrong, there’s a purpose. If every. single. person. ever. around you is pregnant, except you, there’s a purpose. He wants to teach you something. He wants to show you that no matter what gifts He is withholding for a time, there is nothing compared to the gift of His Son, which He so freely gives to you everyday. Happy Mother’s Day to every mom (no matter how you came to have that title) and to every precious mom-to-be!
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