Handle with Care

"Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance." 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

.   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .

Please know that what I’m about to share isn’t intended to ruffle feathers or upset anyone. It isn’t meant to shame or dismiss the efforts of friends who have tried to encourage me. For those who have genuinely reached out to me, please understand that I am so grateful to you. I’m thankful for your hearts, even when some things may get a little lost in translation. I understand trying to comfort someone in the thick of depression can be such a difficult terrain to navigate. Finding the right words to say may not seem so simple, and it’s because depression isn’t simple. That’s why I’m sharing my heart in its rawest state -- to shed some light on what I’ve experienced in this darkness. These words are only meant to bring an honest perspective to an often misunderstood struggle in hopes that those affected with depression, whether first-hand or as a loved one of someone with depression, can be encouraged.

.   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .

My choice to elope for my wedding day wasn’t a popular decision. I grew up the girliest of girls. I was a bride for Halloween when I was three and wanted to meet my new baby brother in the hospital with the veil that accompanied my costume. I didn’t wear pants to school until I was in the fifth grade. Even then, it was a jumpsuit with my monogram on the front.

I am also no stranger to event planning. Between the ages of 22 and 26, I planned 21 weddings and was in nine. Nuts, I know. So, when my husband and I told our parents we were going to fly to Colorado by ourselves and get married, jaws dropped. The truth is, I know myself. I know I love that stuff. I know I can get caught up in the hustle and bustle of bouquets, dresses and decor. Something inside of me (a.k.a. the Holy Spirit’s conviction), kept telling me I needed to keep the main thing the main thing. So, late September of 2014, only seven weeks after getting engaged, we boarded a plane, just the two of us. I married the cutest of cuties with only the freshly yellowed aspen trees as our guests.

.   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .

Retrospect is a beautiful thing. Reflecting on the past is often the Lord’s gift, reminding us of His faithfulness and careful consideration of provision. I was diagnosed with clinical depression just nine months after saying, “I do”. That was more shocking than me eloping. (You can read more about my struggle here.) Our elopement was a glimpse at what was to come. The provision of my husband during a season of life that is by far the hardest is evidence of the loving hand of God. Sometimes, it has felt like it’s just Jordan and me. We daily have to figure out how to handle this illness and continue to make life joyful. Clinical depression is hardest for the people closest to you. I can honestly say, I would rather go through this than watch my husband go through it. Whether it’s a friend, a daughter, a spouse or yourself, it’s gut wrenching to experience. One of the greatest lessons Jordan and I have learned through this is how to handle people with care. It’s make us more sympathetic to people with stories we don’t understand or can’t comprehend. This experience has also helped me express feelings in a way I never thought I could.

So many people have approached me saying they are experiencing something similar to my journey. Others seek advice from me about how to approach someone they know who is struggling. I’m no medical or psychological doctor, but here’s what I’ve learned:

Don’ts:

1. Try to fix me. I already want to fix me. And I can’t. I can’t even get out of bed in the morning some days. And you trying to fix me makes me feel worse. Prideful, I know, and part of my pruning process of understanding my need community. But let the goal for community be love, not to pull me out of the hole. It’s not their job, anyway. It’s the Lord’s job to catch me at the bottom and carry me out. I just need someone to be the voice yelling words of encouragement and love to me during the freefall, reassuring me that there are strong arms waiting to grab me at the bottom.

2. Only reach out on social media. I am overwhelmed by the incredible community I have around me. And some people only have contact with me through social media. In those cases, okay. But in cases where people know me, claim to love me, and have access to me in person, it hurts to only read on social media that they’re thinking about me or praying for me. That feels more like a self-righteous promotion of faux love. Harsh? Maybe. But, I gotta be honest, that’s how it feels.

3. Talk to other people about my situation when I’m not there. I know this one seems pretty high school. But you’d be surprised as a 27-year-old woman how many times this has happened to me during this season. I won’t get on my soapbox too high on this one, but this is for all communication between believers. Confronting sin, approaching about accountability, and even expressing concern, all need to begin with a one-on-one conversation. Doing anything otherwise will create dissension and rivalry. Scripture tells us about this on multiple different occasions. (Matthew 18:15-16, Philippians 2:3-4, Hebrews 12:1) We have become a culture that has accepted “glorified gossip”, or speaking about each other in the name of prayer instead of speaking with the concerning party out of genuine care and love. As someone who has experienced this first hand during this season, I can tell you exactly how it feels -- it feels like people don’t actually care about me, my heart, or my joyfulness. It feels like they care about making sure other people think they’re concerned, and that only makes me hurt worse.

Do’s:

1. Love me. Seems simple, huh? But when the rubber meets the road and someone unknowingly and suddenly becomes the Debbie Downer, it can get harder. I know. Because that’s me. I know I’m not the life of the party anymore, but I still want and need to be loved. Just go read the famous Love Chapter in 1 Corinthians 13. This ain’t about you and your fun. But, “never give up, never lose faith, (be) always hopeful, and endure every circumstance. (v. 7, NLT)

2. Remember who I once was. My love language is words of affirmation. So this one may be more for me than anyone, but I need the people around me to remember the old Julianne. Not to express that they wish I was more like that again, but to know and believe it’s still in me, even when I don’t believe it’s left in me. I need others to affirm when they see those glimmers of the pre-illness self.

3. Understand you won’t understand. This one is by far the hardest. I fought to explain myself and my sadness for so long at the beginning. I wanted someone to know I wasn’t crazy. I wanted someone to just get it. Jordan wanted to just get it. He wanted to understand why I just cried, for no reason. My response was always so empty: “I don’t know.” It’s okay for loved ones to not understand completely. The more people fish for an explanation, the more the person affected by the illness will feel crazy. Sometimes for me, there wasn’t an explanation. Those struggling with depression should be encouraged to seek professional help in order to get to the root of the problem, but friends, parents or spouses need to understand that they just might not understand. And that’s okay. All we ask is for someone to just love us through it.

Above all, bring love -- no matter if you’re the one struggling with depression or the one walking alongside someone who is. Reiterate to yourself the properties of love outlined in 1 Corinthians 13. That’s what I need from my community. That’s what my heart needs to feel cared for. I don’t want to be fragile, but I do need to be handled with authentic, genuine care.

I don’t know who the person is that needs you most during this time, but my prayer is that you shower them with patience, kindness, and selflessness. Above all, shower them with the greatest of all, love.